It’s been really long since I last introspected. When the last time I poured my heart out, I was all confused and had no idea where my life is heading towards. Though still today my brain has not stopped blabbering but I have starting to realise the root causes of my problems.
First things first. I have got a job. I will not call it an achievement but I have to start from somewhere and I am fine with this decent beginning. I have cleared all levels of Central Armed Police Forces Sub Inspector post. I am taking this as an opportunity to get some independence. I am tired of being controlled by my dad. I want to learn to do things on my own, I don’t want him taking my decisions anymore. It’s annoying how little independence I have got. Tell him every time I step out, because there are so many predators on the road and they must be in search of an opportunity to hurt me. Instead of fearing for my safety so much he could have taught me how to survive in this ruthless world. After going for this job I may understand what I really want to do in my life.
Second thing I realised that my ex is still an important part of my life. I have to accept the way things are and stop wasting my energy in keeping him out of my life. I have to accept the fact though he still feels for me but he has got control over his feelings and know how not to show it. I have to accept the fact even if he cares about me he is still not going to show that because he has chosen not to be in touch with his emotions much. He is going to stay in my life for a long time not in the way I had once imagined. We both have got no control over the fact that we still feel for each other. So, I decided it’s better to focus on myself and find the happiness I have been longing for.
Third thing is I realised is last but not the least. I have realised after misjudging my feelings for someone, that I do not know myself much. I never paid much attention on myself that how my system works. How I react if I am put in a certain situation. I never noticed the patterns I follow in my life. It was annoying , but it opened my eyes that I pay so much attention on the things which are happening in my vicinity that I forget to look inside. Half of my problems will get solved if I start understanding myself.
These last few months have been nothing less than a roller coaster ride. I hope I have learnt few lessons from these instances. I look forward to untangling my life.
Leave your fears behind. Move ahead.
I’m currently trying to know what has been happening with me lately. First my exam went horrible and now for another reason I’m all sad and gloomy. What is in store for me god, it better be something good.
I have only been in a relationship once and we broke up 3 years ago. But the story didn’t end there. He still has got feelings for me so once in a while he checks on me with or without my permission. He gets absolutely fine after meeting me but I start to feel all the emotions all over again. He gets to talk to me when he is down but when I try to seek comfort I don’t get it. I am the dumb one who is just taking in all the pain. I mean when I know he is not good for me anymore, he’s hurting me time and again then why the hell I let him in every fucking time. Why can’t I just decide once and for all to keep him out of my life.
On Monday I met him again. He was chatting with my friend and I got myself glued to my phone. I can’t talk to him now. I don’t feel like talking to him. U can’t share your feelings with a person knowing that he is not going to respond. I want to get rid of him. I am surrounded with too much of negativity. Ohhh, god. Only if I could erase his memories. Please get out of my life. I’m in desperate need of peace.
I’ve lost my concentration, motivation. I don’t know how do people remain persistent even after seeing failures in their life. They must be possessing will power made of steel.
With every new day I wish it to be better than the last one. I will try to remain optimistic and find the right path to follow.
I am still gloomy.
I want to lie down on my bed, do nothing but to hold on my breath. There is a fight going inside my head, to whether let anyone know or let it be instead. I wish my sorrows made no impact on others, my happiness gave them reason to cherish but my sorrows to not break their heart. It’s easy to fight when the result of that fight is not going to effect those who you love. But it’s difficult to move ahead knowing that your lost battles may break their hearts. Their is a fight inside my head. Whether to tell them I need support, to let them know about the lost battle or wait till the time is right. Though I have mastered the art of plastering a fake smile on my face when I am upset, but knowing that when they will face the reality which I am facing right now, is bringing cracks in that fake smile.
I can feel my blood flowing more towards my heart and less towards my limbs. Even my body is showing signs that it’s not in the mood of fighting these thoughts. It wishes to lie down and sleep, to let time fight this battle this time. My body is numb, my head is working overtime. I don’t wish to go back in time and mend things, I just wish, they empathised less with me.
Few days ago I wrote my first blog, but owing to one small mistake that is not to save it on time before power supply went off, costed me that blog. I didn’t think my first blog to be a gloomy one. I’m wearing a long face right now. I had an exam yesterday, the exam for which I had been preparing for past 2 years. I failed last year by 0.5 marks and this year, I think, I am going to fail miserably. I lied to my father that it went well, at least he’ll be fine till the result will come out. I am dependent on that exam to get a job in government sector, the job that I am not going to get now. It seems to be a distant dream now.
The reason for solely depending on that job was that it offered job stability, good money and the fact that “I know what I don’t want to do but don’t know what I want to do”. I don’t have a skill to survive in this ruthless world. I am Jack of all trades, master of none. I like to play basketball but not a past master, I like to draw but not a skilled artist, I like to write but don’t write often. I am finding all the doors closed, can’t even see a window of hope. Can’t find the strength to pick myself up.
I know nothing like that has happened that I am feeling despondent. But when you see yourself failing time and again it’s kind of heart breaking.
I am gloomy today, but hope to find a reason to cherish tomorrow.